Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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