life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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