i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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