highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
