Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I love you. Go after that dick
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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