new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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