i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There's always time for handjobs
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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