The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
