Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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