no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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