When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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