So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
