Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
