i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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