While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
