what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
