woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
