im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
