I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
