i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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