It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
