I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
