if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
