Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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