Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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