I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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