Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
