her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
