when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
