I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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