My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
