I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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