I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
