trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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