I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
