Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
