Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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