Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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