i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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