life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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