she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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