Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There are leaves in my underwear?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
