first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
