Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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