I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
