So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You were trust falling into bushes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
