Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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