Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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