think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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