Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
