i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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