I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
