I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
