My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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