i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
