I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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