U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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