yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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