I'm eating all of the evidence.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
