I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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