i think my tv is drunk
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
