My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
